December 05, 2001

Merry Christmas - Yah Haaawww!!!>

Great email I got ... (thanks Derek)

An Important Message From Santa Claus I regret to inform you that,
> >effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern
> >United States on Christmas Eve.
> >
> >Due to the current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was
> >renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
> >
> >I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
> >Michigan. As part of my new and better contract, I also get longer
> >breaks for milk and cookies and am not required to lift packages
> >weighing more than 28 pounds 13 ounces, so keep that in mind.
> >
> >However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
> >local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
> >side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
> >delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few
> >differences between us.
> >
> >1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
> >Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
> >"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
> >
> >2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
> >an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
> >doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
> >empty spit can handy.
> >
> >3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs
> >instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
> >reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
> >
> >4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when
> >Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
> >on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
> >
> >5. The traditional "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
> >are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"
> >
> >6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a
> >Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The
> >last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One
> >is the Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and the
> >other is a caricature of me(Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
> >
> >7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
> >and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area.
> >Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
> >Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
> >patrol cars crashing into each other.
> >
> >8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you
> >have the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
> >presents under the tree.
> >
> >9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
> >"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
> >Coming to Town. "This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
> >all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include
> >Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and Garth Brooks'
> >"Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Coon Hound Wearing Antlers."
> >
> >Merry Christmas y'all,
> >Santa Claus
> >(Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

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